Score!!!!!
(Originally posted: 07/29/2009)
Along the same lines as what Redacted wrote…
Picture it. New Year’s Eve (I removed the year because I didn’t want to point to anyone particular cus folks have feelings. I know I do.) I was with my former Manfriend at a party full of his friends. In typical Chatty Cathy fashion, I found myself trying to ‘do good’ for one of his friends. Let’s call him Richard. Richard had to be the only man at the party without a wife, fiance, or date. Somehow, as we discussed his bling and his lack of date, I told him that he clearly is dealing with Tier Two and below women otherwise he’d have one by his side. In typical man fashion, he disagreed and went so far as to flip open his phone to show me the ‘dimes’ he had access to. (This will mean something later on.) To make a long story short, I clarified by saying that if he had access to a woman he thought was fabulous enough to have around his friends and bring in the new year with, her ass would be there.
I found myself considering which women friends/associates of mine he might like. And no, TPS (needs proper new nickname…Ted), doesn’t do hook-ups!! TPS does, however, put people in the same room. (Thus far, two marriages are because I invited people places. This doesn’t even include the coupes who got together but never married or have’t yet.) I’d figured I had the perfect woman for Richard. Perfect. He asks me to tell him about her. I was feeling really chatty that night. I go on and on about her greatness. She graduated from ____. She does ____ for a living. She owns a home. Then all of a sudden, I notice Richard is totally glazed over. But I keep listing her qualifications because I love to hear my own voice when I’ve been drinking. (Please note that I would never describe her this way now cus older, wiser.)
All of a sudden Richard snaps to attention and says, “All that’s nice. But I don’t care about those things. I have my own money and stuff. What does she look like? Is she cool?”
I fell into the same trap so many women fall into. Lemme ‘splain. When women are interested in a accepting life-mate applications, a man’s stability means a lot. A whole lot. He gets more points for owning a home and having good credit than he does for being fine. And they don’t get credit for being able to cook and clean dammit!! At least in my world. First, unless they are complete pigs, they should have minimum cleaning skills or the good mind to hire a maid. Second, they should be able to boil water. But those things don’t get me moist earn him extra points! Cus if the man is busy cooking and cleaning all the time, who is out being the family spokesperson (Beloved, 2005)? (RE-reading this today, it comes off somewhat Hotepian. But I promise you it wasn’t and isn’t. It’s just that I, me, personally, I’m cool with gender roles but not cool with abuse. I understand the two can and do exist without each other.)
For men, it’s a bit different. Even if on the surface they say they care about the woman’s stability, men will still marry the check out girl at the Safeway/Kroger/Whole Foods. Men give points for looks and how they interact with the woman. How she makes him feel. And even though he may give points for career and home ownership, those things usually don’t mean as much to him as they do to women.
What’s super funny is that I never market myself this way. But for some reason, when I was describing my girl to Richard, I was describing her with things that women look for. Ya know?? I was describing her level of stability. Richard, being inebriated, didn’t have his political correctness sensor on and said just what was on his mind. He didn’t care if she owned a home, etc.
Back in the day when I worked at Nerd Factory University, I noticed that men seemed impressed when they found out where I worked and what I did. This is also the case with my friends who are doctors and lawyers. Yet, when these same men end up marrying doctors and lawyers, they expect for them to be wives and mothers, not doctors and lawyers. (As if these women can’t walk and chew gum. I can’t. But that doesn’t mean they can’t.) I have seen men think it’s cool to introduce their lawyer girlfriend, or in my case name drop the university I worked for but when it gets right down to in, in the relationship, what a woman does between 8 and 5 won’t mean much if she isn’t just as, if not more impressive in her role as girlfriend/wife and mother.
(Richard never met my friend after that party. However, a long time after, he met another friend. This was a meeting I did not orchestrate. Things went really well until they didn’t.)
July 29, 2009 @ 6:50 am
I think men who are trying to “marry” up look for women who have x,y or z to their names. Men who already have those things are looking for their “dimes” and if she happens to also have x,y, or z then that’s icing on the cake. I’m sure you know plenty of men who have married women who were sweet on the eyes but had nothing to show when it came to what society would consider “doing it” as far as job, house, etc.
July 29, 2009 @ 6:52 am
I was one of those who wanted to marry a like professional. Problem was that when I was ready to change roles and be Mom, I was still expected to go back to prof job, bring in prof bucks while being full time mom. It took a while to bring the whole balance thing into reality, but I realize that I had played myself…selling myself and my virtues and accomplishments instead of interviewing for the things that do count…Can he bust suds and make a bed…? Does he do toilets and CAN he cook?
July 29, 2009 @ 8:12 am
I think men do value the accomplished, self-sufficient, successful woman, especially if she happens to be a dime too. Your boy Richard didn’t care about her owning a home, because if she meets the other criteria, she’d be moving in with him anyway. But where she went to school and where she works matters just as much what she looks like. Ol’ Richard was attentive to the school and work part, but could care less about the other stuff because the next most important thing is “what she look like?”
And this is why: despite its political incorrectness and retrograding of the women’s lib movement, successful men want a trophy wife. Period. The trophy wife of the 19th century was well-traveled and could speak a couple languages. But somewhere around mid-20th century, the trophy wife became the pretty airhead that could make a helluva casserole. I’d argue that today’s successful Black man wants an educated woman (thus the “where’d you go to school?”) with an impressive resume (“what do you do?”) who is a dime, so that when he shows up at his company cookout/black tie/country club with his lady, she can hold her own in conversation and commmon experiences. To show up with some “personal trainer” or “aspiring actor” is the ultimate wackness unless you happen to be a 50 yr old man, divorced, and driving a sports car.
That said, men like Richard don’t necessarily want her to continue excelling in corporate America (for example) after marriage because somebody has to have the babies and be there when school lets out. But he definitely wants her to HAVE BEEN in corporate America so she can speak the lingo at the Christmas party or out and about with friends.
One last thing, and then I’ll shut up: him showing up dateless despite all the dimes he had in his phone means nothing. The honeys he had might very well have been Tier 1 (even 0) chicks. And he might even like some of them enough to bring around friends. But a lot of the problem with “trophy women” is that they have a number of inhibitions… that is, they act wifely all the time, though they are single. Dudes like Richard want the trophy woman who can also be the wild girlfriend he longed for in his younger days. And New Year’s is a time for wild youthness, not Stepford wifeness and dialogue centered on china patterns.
July 29, 2009 @ 8:12 am
Dayum… my bad. I didn’t realize is what that long. lol I should probably get a blog, huh?
July 29, 2009 @ 8:13 am
*it was
July 29, 2009 @ 9:00 am
I agree with BT. Most men want you to have the education and ability to impress in professional circles, but they want you to be willing to either ramp off of the career path OR be super Mom and wife.
July 29, 2009 @ 9:04 am
First of all this cracked me up!! “But I keep listing her qualifications because I love to hear my own voice when I’ve been drinking.” LMAO
Anyway…so true…all of it!
The only difference is that in my age group men finally do give as much weight to how good a woman looks on paper to how good she looks in person.
July 29, 2009 @ 9:08 am
I definitely think men and women weight things (such as looks) differently. I know I place looks 3rd or 4th. I don’t think any man would put looks that far down on the list.
July 29, 2009 @ 9:16 am
In your (really anyone’s) opinion would having a proclivity in the opposite cecks’ traditional role be a cause for contention? I mean. The movies have shown guys who don’t like their S.O. outperforming their traditional role. Would the tantamount opposite prove true about the ‘burning,’ kid watching, house keeping man?
July 29, 2009 @ 9:16 am
I think that men do rate mate attributes differently than women. They do not want a financial liability or a dummy, but if she is cute, easy to get along with etc. they are willing to consider working with the rest.
July 29, 2009 @ 9:18 am
Actually, I don’t know men who did that. But I do know men who married ‘dimes’ with good careers and then got mad when her career remained a priority AFTER they got married.
July 29, 2009 @ 9:19 am
Yup, that was hilarious.
July 29, 2009 @ 9:20 am
I get what you’re saying but as Gawd is my witness, men doing domestic stuff does NOTHING for me. As a matter of fact, it only annoys me cus I haven’t met one who does it ‘right’. Some of them call things clean without using nary a touch of bleach! Oh the horror!
July 29, 2009 @ 9:26 am
I don’t know so much that Richard could be particular about schools. I know he wasn’t from the same circles of schools that most of us were in, if you get my drift. Hold up, I have NEVER seen Richard with a woman…
Uh, New Year’s Eve with their friends is Stepford Wife time. In fact, save for me, all those chicks were dry as shyt. They bored the shyt out of me and you know I can have a good time with damn near anyone. They used to be in awe at some of the ‘fun’ stuff Former Manfriend and I used to do. Why? Because they only trotted out their wives and girlfriends for ‘family’ events. When they wanted to have ‘fun’ it was always womanless. They didn’t understand how FM and I would enjoy hanging out with each other.
July 29, 2009 @ 9:26 am
Get a blog and make me up a nickname! Thanks!
July 29, 2009 @ 9:28 am
Oh yeah. I agree with this. The problem is that most of the corner-office-chicks I know don’t want to give it up to be Sally Homemaker. This causes problems in the marriage later on because the couple didn’t discuss and agree on the roles they’d play in the marriage. Then some of those women do try to be be corner-office-chick and Sally Homemaker. But when they get into playing both roles (and wife), they are pissed because they are doing so much.
July 29, 2009 @ 9:29 am
I think it’s because if a woman is your age and hasn’t accomplished shyt, what the hell has she been doing since her kids turned ten?
July 29, 2009 @ 9:30 am
OK so y’all are saying looks are important. So what does this mean for chicks who aren’t physical ‘dimes’?
July 29, 2009 @ 9:33 am
If I am reading right, the answer to the last question is YES. As I stated earlier, men doing traditionally ‘women’ things do nothing for me. The flipside is that, with the men I date, me doing ‘man’ things does nothing for them. I like masculine men. They like feminine women. I am feminine. So it works out (initially).
July 29, 2009 @ 9:36 am
Yes. My little sister is as pretty as a flower. Hell, she’s stunning. But she is spoiled and doesn’t even have a driver’s license. She has no plans of getting a license–even though our dad could get her a new car the very day she gets the license. She never catches the bus. Why? Cus she always has a boyfriend or some dude willing to tote her around the city. They ignore that her ass is unwilling to be independent.
July 29, 2009 @ 9:44 am
pscht, men want to feel needed.
July 29, 2009 @ 9:45 am
I still agree w/ the this theory. But what of the women who enjoy their careers and don’t plan to throw them to the wayside when they marry and have children. Are they just screwed? Is there something wrong with women who don’t dream of putting away their former life when they get married?
July 29, 2009 @ 9:49 am
EXACTLY!
July 29, 2009 @ 9:51 am
“The problem is that most of the corner-office-chicks I know don’t want to give it up to be Sally Homemaker.”
That’s because they married their jobs. If you’d caught most of them at 26 or 27 and married them off, they wouldn’t give a dayum about the corner office. But some of them, having to marry SOMETHING by age 30, choose the career when the man doesn’t appear.
July 29, 2009 @ 9:51 am
They have to honest with their mate. Instead of trying to be quiet until she gets down the aisle, she has to say, “Look, you know when we get married, I still want to pursue my career. This is going to mean that you’re going to have to pull more weight in the child rearing and house cleaning, etc. You down for that?”
But the dude has to be honest too. He can’t sit there and nod while thinking, “Bullshyt! I’m not doing shyt. She’s going to being home that paycheck, we’re buying a big house, AND she’s taking care of the kids.”
Is there something wrong with those women? No. They just need to find men who are cool with that. The danger is that a lot of men who are cool with that also won’t be head of household.
July 29, 2009 @ 9:52 am
Thanks. I think that Richard was asking the right questions though. He was wondering what her worth would be. How easy would it be for her to love and respect him and he her. I can’t think of very many examples of where duplicated effort is extoled. If she can give him those things that make him continually want her, then her and his needs will be met together.
July 29, 2009 @ 9:55 am
Wu, you are on fire today!!!
Hold up! Who is this? This isn’t Wu!!! LOL
July 29, 2009 @ 9:55 am
The greatest myth that exists about men is that we want to marry or long-term commit to a physical dime. While many men (those that could run in “our circles,” that is) will say they’d love to date such-and-such dime, those jokers do NOT want to marry her. Give a brutha a good 8.5+ properly proportioned to our likes with the right academic and intellectual pedigree, and she wins all day over the dime.
July 29, 2009 @ 9:57 am
Needed and used are two different things though. Pretty girls make a used man feel needed, until he gets used to her pretty.
July 29, 2009 @ 9:59 am
But dude, an 8.5 with the proper set-up can be a dime. And I would submit that where ratings are concerned, one man’s 8.5 is another man’s 11. You, for example, with your fancy educations and accomplishments may see a woman as an 8.5. Meanwhile, Ray, with less accomplishments will see that same woman as a 10+. Why? Cus his options are different than yours. Maybe he only goes to places where administrative assistants (no offense) are. Then he spots the one executive assistant dresses as a slutty secretary, that’s his dime.
July 29, 2009 @ 10:01 am
I don’t know. All of my friends who have stumbled into corner offices would give their left tit to be married. They’d give it up in a heartbeat. How do I know? Cus those heffas stay trying to work from home or just take the hell off. I have a very good friend who rallied against being a SAHM. Now she’s one and can’t imagine doing anything else. Sure she went to school for a long ass time and has a Ph.D. So, she really enjoys being a wife and mother.
July 29, 2009 @ 10:04 am
Oooh, Honest’s comment was actually a topic that I was just discussing w/ one of my male friends. One of my friends is extremely successful financially, coveted profession, multi-degreed blah blah. His wife, same deal and beautiful inside out to boot.
BUT, in her mind – her goal was to marry well and then play wife and mother. He is passive agressively pissed because he doesn’t feel as though she’s playing the role that HE saw her in when they were courting.
His vision was that of a power couple (i.e. ‘Lemme introduce you to my wife, Dr. So&So who’s also ballin’). That threw me because, like you, I assumed that because his income can take care of their household three-fold, he’d be OK with her being a SAHM/housewife.
But now reading Honest’s comment, I have to look back on his upbringing and I realize that although he’s doing it now, he did come from humble beginnings and I guess maybe he still thinks that he should have ‘married up’….or at least to someone that shared his professional hustle.
July 29, 2009 @ 10:05 am
Women who seek to use are the ones who have never been offered shyt. That, I’ll stand by!! They’re the ones saying, “Girl, if I was you, I’d get him to…”
July 29, 2009 @ 10:07 am
Is it possible that he’s not comfortable holding the entire weight of his family on his shoulders–even though he has enough $$??
July 29, 2009 @ 10:08 am
Looks are very important and I’m finding that for a lot of men AND women…weight is important too. I never thought about it a lot before but I’ve been noticing a lot of people say someone wouldn’t be interested in them because of their size and NOT because they weren’t attractive.
July 29, 2009 @ 10:08 am
If I were to get married I’d assume that how ever dude was when we were dating/engaged is how he’d always be. I wouldn’t even need to discuss that. If a woman is on a certain path a man would be a fool to assume that a ring would change anything unless they verbally agreed that it would.
People really don’t talk about roles before getting married. I disagree that these men automatically wouldn’t be head of household. I don’t think that people are either aditional or anti-traditional. Many people fall in various places on that scale. Bathing the kids or folding towels doesn’t take away from a man’s head-of-householdness.
July 29, 2009 @ 10:15 am
I think the problem is that you can’t assume things are going to stay the same OR change. How many women have assumed that getting a man to marry then would change how he acted? How many women assumed having a baby would get a man to ‘ack right’?
I say these men won’t be HOH because, in my experience (and countless lounge interviews) men who want career women want the extra paycheck. They want her to be the aggressor to the outside world. They want to take the backseat in damn near everything. They are also ok with taking her last name. Oh and I think they pee sitting down too.
July 29, 2009 @ 10:17 am
Majority of men in the DMV do not want a woman under 35 who has already packed on the pounds and don’t even have kids to show for it. It doesn’t fit the picture of what they imagine their mate to look like. Sorry. It is what it is. While it may suck for the bigger girl, trust, it sucks for the smaller girl too. If you gain five lbs and aren’t preggers, you might get the stink eye from the man you’ve been with for years. Never mind that all he ever wants to do is eat. Never mind that you have to attend all his work functions where food is the focus.
July 29, 2009 @ 10:18 am
He did say that. He also mentioned not wanting to have the entire weight of her fam on his shoulders either.
Funny thing is, he’s raising their daughters to be completely dependent on him…which in turn, when he marries them off they will be completely dependent on their husbands.
So I don’t understand if he really craves ‘hustle and flow’ drive from his wife, why is he enabling his daughters in the future?
July 29, 2009 @ 10:20 am
I think you have a point. A mute point, but a point none the less. It’s like no-one goes to check for hotties in special ed or down @ the hospital. No offense intended. But it is a reality that people want to improve upon or at least keep going the good parts of their status quo in the world. Make improvements via their children. After all how many MSN articles have talked the gradient of ease of life relative to ‘attractive’ attributes.
July 29, 2009 @ 10:22 am
This is true, dimeage is like a family reunion: all relative. However, no matter what qualifies as dime to the man in question, what remains is that he will not wife the dime. Ray will screw the exec sec, brag about it, get bored with it, and realize those 8+ admins are a lot more fun, less upkeep, and can achieve dime status when the light strikes them right.
July 29, 2009 @ 10:24 am
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/moot
This is how I’m going to deal with you from now you. You know you drive me crazy.
July 29, 2009 @ 10:25 am
I’m not talking about extremes here, am talking about normal folks. I’m talking about a man who wants a certain woman and she just happens to be a career woman. Or maybe she isn’t a career woman but isn’t a SAHM. I know too many women that work 9-5 and then they go home and cook dinner. Their husbands can’t even be bothered to put away the dishes while they bathe the kids after dinner. That’s nuts and those women are miserable.
July 29, 2009 @ 10:25 am
But the women who use as a habit, don’t even see it as using anymore! They see it as, “well, that ninja offered; I didn’t ask.” And it isn’t coincidence that they ALWAYS end up with dudes who do for them.
July 29, 2009 @ 10:27 am
It’s the same for women. I know/knew a guy who had everything a lot of women say they are looking for in a mate but he was well over 400 pounds. I felt sorry for him but I understood why he didn’t have someone.
July 29, 2009 @ 10:31 am
I’m in total agreement. I notice that when I tell men I was born and raised in the South their eyes light up and say “You’d make a good wife!” LOLOL! Men do care about if you indeed have your stuff together, but all that doesn’t mean anything if you are at the office 12-14 hours a day and not doing your wifey/girlfriend duties. I’m still trying to discern, though, if more men would agree to their wife being a SAHW/SAHM as opposed to being Corporate Woman. I’m still at 50% with the men I poll. One guy even said that if he has to get up and go to work, she has to get up and go to work. On the flip, my cousin does NOT want his wife to work once they have kids. Hmmm…..
July 29, 2009 @ 10:34 am
1. He has a confidence issue.
2. How he’s treating his daughters reminds me of my daddy. He didn’t do this so much with me because I didn’t live with him but my little sister? Lord knows. As stated in another comment, she’s super dependent.
3. He’s enabling his daughters because he doesn’t want to see struggle on their faces.
July 29, 2009 @ 10:36 am
I think you are wrong on this. How do I know, because I know a lot of women who were married because they are/were dimes. Never mind that they are since divorced cus the men married them when both were too young and dumb to marry. They got married. Maybe more accurate is that YOU and you friends wouldn’t marry a dime. She’s way too much work. There’s way too much competition. Through the years of men competing to get and maintain her attention, he standards are just too damned high. Why bother?
July 29, 2009 @ 10:38 am
That’s not using. They end up with men doing for them because a lot of them are needy. See, my little sister.
And where the hell is my nickname? Don’t think I forgot. Hell, I put it in the post.
*giving BT the side eye*
July 29, 2009 @ 10:40 am
But whose fault is that? Had those women been honest and discussed and OBSERVED prior to marriage, they’d know these men had no intentions of washing a dish. I’d be a fool to marry a dude and think he was ever going to wash a dish if he has a housekeeper now.
July 29, 2009 @ 10:41 am
BINGO!
July 29, 2009 @ 10:44 am
Have to agree with BT on this. SOME pretty women do use men because they know they CAN. Guys are physical, right? Hence, if a beautiful woman comes their way, they will trip and fall over other men just to be at her beck and call. They will tell her what they’ll do for her BEFORE she even asks for anything. And the cycle begins.
July 29, 2009 @ 10:44 am
Men who don’t have the loot or SHOULDERS to carry the family want their wives to work. Also, men whose mothers were single and always said shyt like, “Every able bodied adult in this house needs a job.”–they want everyone in the house, kids included, to work. But if something happens and the wife doesn’t work and actually starts taking on the role of the HW/SAHM, when her ass goes back, he’s not all that pleased. Why? Because while she was off, he got a taste of the good life–someone being at home, calm when he gets there, meals already cooked, etc. Hell, I’m not even married but my current availability (working from home/unemployed) set men up for a huge disappointment when I start working an office job.
July 29, 2009 @ 10:46 am
Nothing at all. I feel that a balance can be achieved. My good friends are a pediatric dentist (she) and an attorney (he). They share EQUALLY in household and child rearing duties. They make it work. I really don’t see either of them giving up their careers anytime soon. Especially since my girl owns her dental practice.
July 29, 2009 @ 10:47 am
Work? Competition? Since when are those things deterrents? Any good woman requires effort from her man and attracts other ninjas too.
When I mentioned this, I was specifcally talking about dudes in our circles. I know a number of dimes that got married, some still are. But the bottom line is the DUDE was not of our ilk. In the example above, I know a “Ray” and despite his lack of a degree and exposure, he is still of my ilk (intellectually, in interests, etc).
Dimes can (and will) marry, but they most likely won’t marry Richard or Ray.
July 29, 2009 @ 10:50 am
Au contraire. The career couples I know still have the husband act as head of household. Like you said, ALL of this has to placed on the table and discussed prior to the ENGAGEMENT…not afterwards. It’s also a testament to how the couple views THEIR marriage despite who makes the most money, etc. Hence, a man who is cool with his wife still maintaining her career AND being a wife/mother doesn’t mean that he’s now not head of household.
July 29, 2009 @ 10:51 am
I disagree that any good woman…Simply because you don’t know how good a woman (or man) is upon initial inspection. Sooooo, women who don’t attract that much attention won’t have that many competing for her.
To your second point, I still disagree. I don’t know any pretty chicks who parried ‘down’. The point I was trying to make was that in youth, men will marry the dime JUST because she’s a dime–which often ends in divorce. But she still got married.
July 29, 2009 @ 10:52 am
Agreed.
July 29, 2009 @ 10:52 am
I’m with you here… loot isn’t really the issue, it’s the SHOULDERS. It takes a certain kind of man (not a selfish one either) to have a HW/SAHM while he goes out and wins the bread. The first thing that dude must realize is that she is not at home for YOU. Her dream is not make you dinner and open your beers, but too many dudes believe that’s exactly what stay at home means. Woe unto them.
July 29, 2009 @ 10:52 am
Agree. I like what you said about how people are before getting engaged/married. My girlfriend is engaged and she’s going through talks wiht her fiance about communication issues. Umm…y’all didn’t discuss this in depth while dating, but now you think this is the time for deep dive conversations on communication styles???
July 29, 2009 @ 10:53 am
Doesn’t mean it all the time. But based on the discussions I’ve had, those men who want their wife to bring the bank are lazy. There! I said it! It’s the second thing they list after looks. They are lazy bastards who want nothing more than a roommate they can have chex with!
July 29, 2009 @ 10:54 am
It can be achieved. But it takes honesty from both people. How often is that really happening??
July 29, 2009 @ 10:55 am
The mentality that folding towels lends to peeing while sitting down is what leads some men to act like they can’t even put away a dish after dinner.
July 29, 2009 @ 10:55 am
You really think that, TPS?? That’s interesting. I guess if your experiences and the people you know mimic your thoughts, then I respect that. However, I look at President Obama and the First Lady. Both were/are a power couple, but I want to believe that Pres O was and still is ‘head of household’ over on 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue and when they were on the Southside of Chicago.
July 29, 2009 @ 10:57 am
Unless dude likes bigger women. But that is rare, in my opinion. I’m in agreement with you on this.
July 29, 2009 @ 10:58 am
You so sweat. 🙂 TY LMBO
July 29, 2009 @ 10:59 am
Often, men under estimate all that goes on in a day for a SAHM. My mom was in the hospital once. She left me and the boys with my step-dad. All hell broke loose. Mind you, this was a man who had his own home before marriage. But after my mom had been running things for years, putting him in the position of being Mr. Mom didn’t go too well. He fed us tuna and eggs. The house was a mess. Football practices were missed. He had no idea what he was doing. I don’t doubt that after a week or so he would have gotten it together but the point was that he was unaware of all the little things my mother did to make things run smoothly. In 24 hours, his mom came and got us.
And then there are women who can’t fathom being HW/SAHM because they’ve never seen a man not be selfish and controlling with money. All they think about is whether or not he’s going to be willing to give them their hair and nail money.
July 29, 2009 @ 11:00 am
Yup and yup. I never dated a guy who, when we were were getting to know each other, balked at the suggestion of a stay-at-home-wife. Told me a lot about his level of confidence in his abilities.
I canNOT deal with a non-confident man. That makes me treat him like ish and I just don’t need that energy.
July 29, 2009 @ 11:01 am
I was joking. It was a joke made in reference to something BT wrote yesterday or last week. Lighten up.
But for kicks and giggles, just know that if I don’t work and my husband does, he doesn’t have to put away a damned thing after dinner.
July 29, 2009 @ 11:02 am
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/sweet
July 29, 2009 @ 11:02 am
Most women don’t discuss these things because they don’t want to rock the boat and keep that ring farther in the distance.
July 29, 2009 @ 11:03 am
Sadly, not often.
July 29, 2009 @ 11:06 am
We’ll agree to disagree. lol Though we agree that initial inspection doesn’t tell you a person’s worth, initial inspection means nothing. It’s superficial, at best. However, good women attract attention beyond the initial inspection. That doesn’t mean less dudes come after her, it means less RANDOM dudes do. And a random dude holla is about as valuable as seagull schlitz.
Richard didn’t marry a dime in his youth. And Richard won’t marry one is his maturity. Some other dude will marry a dime every day of the week, and twice in Vegas.
July 29, 2009 @ 11:07 am
I agree with you, TPS. The dude who said his wife needs to work is always talking about how he needs another paycheck in the household. Get a roommate, not a wife.
July 29, 2009 @ 11:08 am
“They end up with men doing for them because a lot of them are needy.”
Just because a man is needy doesn’t mean he can’t be used; it actually means he’s EASIER to use.
July 29, 2009 @ 11:13 am
Come on man. I know great women, one in particular who is WONDERFUL. And she hasn’t even had a date in over a year! She goes out–EVERYWHERE from lounges to work or Whole Foods. Men don’t step to her. As for dimes getting random holla-age, naw. I’m defining HOLLA not as random cat calls on the street. I’m defining it as getting numbers and going on dates. Dimes might go out with ONE random dude a year–for community service. But, those RANDOM dudes hardly ever holla (by my definition) at dimes anyway.
I submit that Richard doesn’t want to get married. He says it because it is what men his age are supposed to say. He says it because it would cause an inebriated me to recommend women for him. Cus if he came out and said, “I’m still making up for my youth when I was a big ugly duckling by trying to screw all the women who I think would have dissed me then…” I wouldn’t have been trying to find women for him.
July 29, 2009 @ 11:15 am
I mean the women are needy.
July 29, 2009 @ 11:17 am
So are you saying that it’s a genetic thing? Nobody wants to mate with the person who ‘looks’ like walking diabetes and heart disease?
July 29, 2009 @ 11:17 am
You are killing me with the dictionary.com stuff!!!
July 29, 2009 @ 11:19 am
I would add that some have never seen a SAHM/SAHW situation in practice (particularly people in their 20’s). So even if the man makes enough he just never considered that they could make it work.
July 29, 2009 @ 11:20 am
Yeah, they marry the job until a man shows up! And if he doesn’t show up by about age 40, then they go get preggers or adopt.
July 29, 2009 @ 11:22 am
One of my friends w/ a husband who won’t lift a finger around the house got laid off and decided not to go back to work. Hubby seems ok with that and she seems happier. I think in those situations it seems more “fair.”
July 29, 2009 @ 11:24 am
Good point.
July 29, 2009 @ 11:26 am
I hear you BT. Needed is diff from being used. Hence the two different words. Lets step back a second, and observe these two parties in a relationship (men and women).
Now the first nature of a man is to respect. And the first nature of a woman is to love. When you get a party to act out of the other’s nature you’ve got a relationship. This dynamic has certain derivatives like the men wanting to feel needed. Whereas a woman will need to feel wanted. So when someone has a need so great in order for them to be in a relationship they have to act out of their nature. They end up feeling used, and not in a good way.
I believe that Love-giving someone what they need when they need it. So if you plan on being in a relationship sure there is going to be some using. If not what are you there for? What’s your focus is it love or power? I’d just about guarantee you if it’s the latter you will be succeeded.
July 29, 2009 @ 11:32 am
Or start treating their nieces, nephews, and pets as their own children.
July 29, 2009 @ 11:33 am
And the Wu we all know and love is BACK!!!!
July 29, 2009 @ 11:33 am
K, this is an interesting point. If you’ve never seen stay at home, then how real can it be? I mean, even in all the black TV shows where the mother and father were together AND the mother stayed at home, either they were dirt poor or filthy rich. No one wants to be poor, and very few will be rich. So it would “seem” impossible for the middle class fam.
July 29, 2009 @ 11:38 am
Ugly wonderful women don’t get stepped too. Average wonderful get stepped to by men they deem themselves too good for. Above average wonderful women get stepped to by EVERYBODY. Dime wonderful women are unicorns.
And you are really married to this ugly duckling theory! LOL I’ll take your word for it since I haven’t seen it in action. My experience tells me that snubbing the one who would have dissed you back in the day is WAY more satisfying.
July 29, 2009 @ 11:39 am
See, this goes back to something said yesterday about having friends outside of your normal circle and age range. Just because you don’t see it in your life doesn’t mean your Jewish co-worker can’t be a model. It doesn’t mean that your friend in his/her 50’s can’t be a model. Bottom line: people find a way to do what they want.
Having said all that, I don’t deal with men who focus on impossibilities. I like men who focus on ‘How are we gonna get there and make it work?”
July 29, 2009 @ 11:41 am
What you have described is “use” for the bettering of the relationship, love. What I was referring to was “use” in the most selfish sense of the word.
July 29, 2009 @ 11:43 am
Damn BT. You knew what he was talking about? Is there some secret man language Wu writes in? This would explain why sometimes I’m so confused.
July 29, 2009 @ 11:45 am
I’m with ya… but for the unexposed, “there” is like Cybertron; it doesn’t really exist. You can only discuss “there” once both parties accept that it’s real.
So I’m with you that exposure to folks outside your circle is a must. Otherwise, you’ll miss out on all the “there’s”
July 29, 2009 @ 11:46 am
She isn’t ugly! Hell, some of the male readers can speak on it. She’s cute. Not mainstream HAWT, but definitely cute.
Dude, stand on a street corner where there’s construction. Watch as 9.5+ walk pass. The dudes will scream foolishness. But the RANDOMS won’t do anything beyond that.
The ugly duckling theory is the hotness. Richards willingness to screw and screw over these women is his way of dissing them. Plus, these are not the exact women who did him wrong. These are the types of women he thinks would have dissed him.
July 29, 2009 @ 11:48 am
And the award for most nerdy comment made before noon goes to…
TED for his clever use of Cybertron!!
You been watching Transformers?
July 29, 2009 @ 11:50 am
Yeah it’s sort of a natural selection thing. Maybe it is like we are racing toward something. Competing for some number one spot. And nobody want’s to create or adopt a hurdle. I don’t know. I’m an engineer not a sociologist.
July 29, 2009 @ 11:59 am
A successful man can marry the checkout girl, because the man has the ability to give the woman a name and respect. Women don’t have that ability.
If a regular woman marries Trump and gets called Mrs. Trump, then she has ascended. If a regular man marries Oprah then he’s diminished because he’s now just Oprah’s husband.
I think successful men realize this, and they will not marry ‘up’. They will marry well but not up. If he has money and she’s broke with a name or vice versa, then that can work.
I
July 29, 2009 @ 12:01 pm
Richard should not screw the back-then-diss chick!! Screwing them is NOT snubbing them! NOT screwing them and never attempting to is a better course of action. LOL
July 29, 2009 @ 12:02 pm
Ha! I just read something cyberspace-related, so it conjured up old memories. But that YOU knew the word suprises me!
July 29, 2009 @ 12:09 pm
Word someone in the relationship pimped played, and or perverted the previously pure parts. ‘Use’ still the same word.
My sincerest condolences to the crossed mind’s eyes and nerv synapses.
July 29, 2009 @ 12:14 pm
I’m surprised that you were surprised I knew that.
July 29, 2009 @ 12:17 pm
I am putting Creole in time out for 15 minutes. I’m supposed to be looking serious and people are asking why I am giggling over schoolwork!
July 29, 2009 @ 1:16 pm
Excellent point K. My husband and I had stay-at-home moms growing up and knew lots of stay-at-home moms/wives as well.
July 29, 2009 @ 1:18 pm
You know that’s right. Florida didn’t work till James died and she had to go drive the bus.
July 29, 2009 @ 1:22 pm
I’m on the phone discussing this right now and a point just came out of the conversation that made me go hmmmmmmmmm…
Both of us remember that in our neighborhoods growing up…the majority of the mothers stayed at home unless they were single. We started early on equating working with being a single woman. Both of us are stay-at-homes now and are thinking it’s not a coincidence.
VERY INTERESTING INDEED.
July 29, 2009 @ 1:37 pm
BrazenBrainiac
TrueBravado
Whatevs
YoMama
AudaciouslyForward
Flippantina
Pick one as your new name. 🙂
July 29, 2009 @ 3:13 pm
Hold on B. You gots to understand that she is the only one that love me. Like my Mama when she tried to have me retained in the 8th grade because of my performance in English class. Every thing else was remarkable but english. Well you’ve seen what goes down when I try to write. Cuz all I perfer to read is how to and technical stuff. I need her as much as you sweaty pants. “I am because we are”
July 29, 2009 @ 3:58 pm
This right here is why I fuxxx with all a’ya’ll! Y’all can take constructive criticism and jokes as well as dish them out.
July 29, 2009 @ 3:59 pm
*eyeroll*
I think I’m gonna go with Ms. Smart (with variations being T. Pretty Smart, T.P. Smart)
July 29, 2009 @ 4:01 pm
This ties into yesterday’s name convo quite well. And it reminds me of a conversation I had with a friend. Several of our friends are married. But my girl pointed out that only two of them were doing big-big things before being married. Therefore, it’s not shocking that they would still work under their maiden names. Their husbands complemented them not made them.
July 29, 2009 @ 4:03 pm
See…
July 29, 2009 @ 4:06 pm
People don’t know me and Wu got a tango we dance to. Seriously. He know and I know…if yall don’t know…get to knowing.
That is all. ROFL!
Wu…don’t be calling me neither…
July 29, 2009 @ 4:09 pm
Long as it ain’t T. Pain.
July 29, 2009 @ 8:33 pm
Eh, use is the still same word, but has more than one meaning based on intent… just like “intelligence.” (is it a military activity or someone’s IQ?) Condolences indeed, lol.