(Originally posted: 07/22/2011)
As the title indicates, this is a guest post by Mr. Noblog, of the great northeastern Nobloggers. I’ll add my bits in in bold italics, m’kay?
There are two topics that people who read blogs always lie about when they
comment: sex and credit. At first glance, it would seem that this is so because
people don’t want folks all up in their biz. But if that were the case, Facebook
wouldn’t be starting at a $100 billion IPO. The REAL reason is that people don’t
want to be judged for having made bad decisions. Blogging and commenting are
about judgING, not being judGED. Sheeit. I made a string of bad decisions all up and through 2011. Matter of fact *looks for phone* I’mma make a bad decision right now! And if people I didn’t make bad decisions with (and about) didn’t have access to the blog, I’d be far more open with my foolery.
That said, let’s talk about sex, shall we? Excellent. Bring your gavel.
While Ms. Smart is off working or slacking or recruiting her summer date roster, (See, this is why I can’t let him post directly to the blog and why I have to review his submissions!)
I offered to write and address one of a few questions posed:
“Is it wrong to discretely have sex with multiple people in 72 hours?”
First, let’s dispense with the folks’ fallback positions: This is not a question
of what one morally thinks of someone who sleeps with multiple people in the
same timeframe; this is also not a question of passing judgment on what two
consenting and informed adults do in their own time; and this is not about one
person lying to another.The key word in the question above is “discretely.”
And that word is what makes the question so interesting to ponder. Ms. Smart
strikes once again. (Yeah cus if two people do heaux shyt in the woods and nobody hears or sees, did they really do heaux shyt?) (I stand by this. In the woods? Nobody hears or see? Did it really happen? It’s why folks will do the craziest stuff, sexually and socially, and be cool until the video footage leaks.)
This is really a fundamental question about trust. But we’ll get to that…
Doing something discretely just means you shut the hell up about it. You aren’t
lying; you just aren’t talking. If a man seduces a woman, he doesn’t have to
rattle off his sexual history before consummation of said seduction. If a woman
entices a man, she doesn’t have to expose every closeted skeleton bone before
he *ahem* does the same. Yeah, yeah, we all get that people SHOULD discuss
sexual history and present partners before having sex, but they don’t. But is
not doing so wrong?? Consider these…
When you get in the car with your friends, do you ask if their car insurance is
up to date or if their license is suspended? When you shake hands with someone,
do you ask where their hands have been first? Before you let people in your
home, do you ask if they have ever been arrested for theft or some violent
crime? Nope, nope, and nope! (Uh, I hit that offendersearch.com and that ZabbaSearch tho. And I have had, in the last two years, known at least two men did background checks on me. It didn’t bother me one bit. Nor did they hide what they’d done. One had very good reason. He doesn’t exist for reasons that have nothing to do with the background check stuff.) Are you wrong for not doing so?? (Most people don’t ask a lot of things outright because they don’t want to deal with the answers. Allow me to well actually this last point. I do ask myself those questions about the people I have around me. If I don’t know for a FACT that someone has multiple things to lose, I tend to avoid them at all costs.)
If a man or woman sleeps with 3 different people in 3 consecutive nights without
telling any of them about the others, is he/she wrong? The immediate
inclination is to say, “Of course! STDs are everywhere! Sex is spiritual!
Hoe-shyt is nasty! Obviously some low self-esteem involved!” We really need to stop blaming everything on self-esteem. Some folks have low self-esteem because they know themselves best and know they should feel like shyt. And…What comes first? The act or the alleged low self-esteem? Ok, so it may not
be socially “acceptable” in the Western world, but what is wrong about it?? (The wrong is in what the three people thing is going on. If you screw three people in three days and you purposely lead them all to believe they are the only one, there is some bit of wrong involved. And you don’t tell them because you fear the consequences. Specifically, you fear that one, two, or all three will decide they don’t want to participate in a time released orgy.)
Whether sex or getting in the passenger seat, we routinely entrust ourselves to
people without having their full story. All of us routinely engage in
interactions of omission. Some of them are small, inconsequential things like
not mentioning that we accidentally dropped your fork on the floor. Some of them
are bigger, like not mentioning that we banged your best friend last night. But
in either case, we interact with each other with some baseline of trust. Trust
is a key, unavoidable aspect of ALL interpersonal affairs. (Men are able to operate with far more trust than women. We live in a world where a man can take a strange woman home and not fear being rapped. As an aside, this is how men end up getting robbed. They think they are bringing home and easy woman and she is unlocking a window so her crew can come back a week later and rob his home. He can hop in an Uber, get out in the middle of the city, and walk alone with far less fear than a a woman would have in similar circumstances.)
Naturally, with that trust, comes risk. We are programmed to minimize risk in
order to continue living. But mitigation doesn’t mean elimination. Wherever you
decide to accept ANY level of risk, you accept the other person’s decision on
discretion. In other words, you never make a decision fully-informed. Never!
Your choice is ALWAYS subject to someone else’s decision of what to omit, that
is, what not to tell you. And that person makes that choice based on them, not
you. (Because SELFISH.)
So is it wrong to sleep with folks discretely in a short period of time? I say
no. What IS wrong is being so loose with your trust that you sleep with people
indiscriminately. Ya’ll see that? If you’re gonna be a floozy, be choosy. Honestly, that isn’t even “human,” putting your security and life at such risk.
For all you judges out there who think it IS wrong, I’ll be expecting you to ask
to see the pilot’s license and smell her breath before the plane takes off on
your next trip to the airport. And I’ll be expecting them to comment on how this is different. Don’t make me start calling folks out by IP address. I see you Fort Meade, U Penn, Lockheed, Kilpatrick Stockton, Missouri State of Admin, and Suntrust. HHS, Xavier, VCU, MoCo Gov, I see allay’all too! And City of Detroit worker, I see you too boo! But before you do that, lemme see your juris
doctorate… your honor.